Genesis 1:1-4
Before me, the great maw opens, it is a pit so filled with darkness, like a black hole, painted with Vantablack (the blackest black there is), so powerful that not even light can escape it, just like a black hole. The sides of the pit are smooth and without footholds, there appears to be no escape. In the middle of the pit I stand, I can see nothing, I cannot hear anything, and all I can smell is my fetid body odour and my fear. My soul fills to the very brim with darkness, a darkness I cannot find my way out of, I am encased in loneliness, I can find no other souls to connect with and despair settles on me like a thick blanket that smothers all hope from me. I can’t breathe, I can’t see and worst of all I stop being able to feel, my emotions have been stifled and strangled out of me. Desperation descends and all that is left is a longing to be touched and a panic that I will simply disappear and cease to exist.
In the darkness, what is the point, nothing works, and I fail at all things. The darkness is filled with pain and suffering, why must I go on. The promise is “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev 21:4) why must I wait, I can’t go on with the mourning, the crying the pain. Every day as I wake and summon the energy to get out of bed, I lay there asking God to bring me home now. But He never does, and I question Him why he doesn’t, and He remains silent. He has done so much for me and performed so many miracles for me, I can’t doubt his existence, so why won’t an omniscient God grant such a simple request!
Mark 9:24
Well, I think it is down to a choice, but to understand the choice, let me step back and explore other thoughts that accompany me in the darkness. As the darkness surrounds me, it is easy to remember all the times my human father was disappointed in me. Throughout my childhood, I longed for him to tell me “Well Done”. But that never came, so I have built up a very low image of myself. I feel unworthy and expect myself to fail at everything. So why did God Choose me, He must have made a mistake, I am dirty and filthy and must hide in the dark, no one can see how dirty I am there. The darkness is what I know, the darkness won’t destroy me if I don’t go too far into it. It is my comfort zone. But, if I step into the light, I am so filthy, the light will destroy me.
The Choice
Everything I have written so far is a lie, a very clever lie constructed by Satan and whispered to be me. God, by definition, is perfect because if He wasn’t perfect, he could not be God. Therefore, He does not make mistakes. So, I am left with a choice to choose to accept that God did choose me and say, “I believe that You did not make a mistake in choosing me because you don’t make mistakes, SO HELP ME IN MY UNBELIEF.” Or I can choose to call God an idiot for choosing me and continue to live in my comfort zone in the darkness and continue to be unhappy and depressed.
Philippians 4:6
In the darkness I can cower and feel comfortable I don’t have to face anything new, and nothing will challenge me, and people might even feel sorry for me. But that, again, is a lie. In the darkness, there are wars, death, hunger, anxiety, anger and people that hate you. How frightening is that! So, in reality, there is only one choice to be made, to believe God chose me, to believe that He did not make a mistake, to believe that He is a perfect God, and he has things for me to do. This means I can choose to live in anxiety and fear and sadness and to be unhappy. OR I can choose to pray and petition God to help me live in the light and be thankful and see the joy that is there for me. God loves me and wants me to be happy, and be free from fear, “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23)
John 1:5
Then my Lord, surrounded by the light, my Lord my redeemer, my Lord my salvation whom they nailed to a wooden cross, reached out to me and said “It is finished, and you will be with me in the light today. There will be no more pain no more suffering, no more death. For I have taken your judgement and I have overcome the darkness, I am the only true way into the light, step-through me and today you will be with me in the light. This is the truth; this is the real reality. Leave the darkness and all it’s lies behind, you are free from its chains, you are free to choose me. YOU ARE FREE, and I love you, and this is the truth. You are as I made you to be, and I choose you and love you this is the truth. I don’t make mistakes you are mine, choose my arms and you will be fulfilled, choose to leave all your heavy baggage behind, for my yolk is light. Choose to walk with me in the light for the rest of eternity. I will help you in your unbelief!
